Waiting for Sleep | 2.20.21

20 February 2021 

Base Camp 

Elevation (ft) 15,300ft 

Habitat Alpine Desert

“I am suspended by something infinite and pure; I am utterly alone and I am held. This is so much bigger than comprehension will allow. “

Following a brief dinner that did not want to be eaten, we were instructed to try to sleep. At 7pm, rest was the best that I could do. I was grateful that my tent had been pitched away from the others that afternoon. I needed some space to settle into my intention and I wanted to grieve alone. I dressed in my base layers, pulled the drawstrings of Peter’s bag tight and waited. I knew that time wouldn’t leave me behind tonight and I wanted to feel every moment. Laying there, I try to push expectations from my mind and still, they haunt me. So many miles from home and I still run to you. And feel nothing. What am I doing here, crying into the night?

Perhaps I wasn’t alone. Perhaps I felt you that night. Quietly, I put on your playlist in that dark and waited. I waited for answers, for salvation, for you to wake up. There was such a  long pause and then another labored breath. I scrambled to replace the oxygen for us both. I can hardly breathe in this place and I am amazed by what the body can adapt to when there is nowhere to go but up. I recognize that I have only begun to test the limits. There is so much more and nothing without you. 

In a few more hours, I will emerge and take my place. I will take my place in a long line of knowing and I will complete the ritual. Sleep does not come for me this time, nor can I write. I decide to indulge in my playlist in an attempt to mask my tears from the symphony of night. The shuffle guides me through a crescendo of emotions, each song building on the last. Sequential perfection.

Perhaps you were in the tent with me. Each shuffled song, a message from you. I sobbed into the dark at 15,000 feet. Mourning our life, our future, our legacy, our naivety, our missed opportunities, our friendship, our love. I began to drift as Nina Simone reminded me that we are all Wild. And just as the song faded into the night... “Jambo.”

For the first time on this trip, he was with me. I let him in. 

And it is time. 

I hear you calling.

We are all made of stardust.

I will take my place.